When Meditation Sucks
It was really hard when I started to meditate daily. My mind would go crazy, thinking about all the emails I needed to respond to, which outfit I was going to wear to the party that night, and what I would eat for breakfast. I would sit and squirm and check the clock. I would grit through the practice or justify why I actually needed to end meditation early that day. The next day I would procrastinate and do absolutely anything else - social media, text messages, clean the bathroom - besides sit down.
I wanted overnight fixes. I have always wanted overnight fixes. I was the kid who ate her favorite food on the dinner plate first, leaving the yucky food for last and suffering while finishing it. Yet there are no quick fixes when it comes to self-healing. In meditation I had to sit down, be disciplined and face my sh*t daily. It took a lifetime to build up unhealthy habits, projections and subconscious mind-garbage, so it would take time and effort to work through them.
It was Not fun. I kind-of hated it.
Most days it felt like work, like a chore.
...But then I'd have a meditation where I would connect deeply to Source/God/my Heart, and this feeling was absolute bliss. It was the way I wanted to feel every day. The connection would shift my perspective on current challenges and I would literally see them transform before my eyes. Now the challenge wasn't anything I couldn't handle...it wasn't even that aweful, actually. I realized I am stronger than I know, and everything has a purpose. In this space I would shift into deep gratitude and joy.
Slowly and softly little bits of light settled into my being. I swam deeper into the mantra. I began to taste the sweet nectar of awareness -Amrit- more and more. Daily my heart would fill with gratitude as I consciously listed all the blessings in my life. My meditation corner started to become a haven. This place that I had resented and abhorred was now the first place I ran to when I had a problem I couldn't solve, or when I felt hurt, angry or a failure.
And that's what hooked me. Those blissful experiences seaped into my chest and allowed me to exhale. The light of my true essence splintered through the density of this Earth-plane and reminded me of who I - who We - really are.
It is said that prayer is talking to God, while meditation is listening to God. Listening is the BEing state. It is where we receive and open to all the goodness the Universe has in store for us. Where we put our agenda to the side and open to the Bigger plan. Where we surrender and let go with trust. I slowly began to learn how to really listen: quietly, openly and receptively. Here I was able to tap in and receive poignant messages and inspiration. I starting looking within instead of outside for the answers. My intuition blossomed like a flower. I no longer observed my intuitive "knowings" with skepticism, but with full-on trust and reverence.
With this discipline you show up and show up, and meditate and meditate, and follow through and follow through, and cry and listen, and face your dark side...and then one day POOF you start to see changes...which lead to even more changes...and then soon you see an avalanche of good, positivity, synchronicity and things falling into place. "YES!", you say. "I HAVE MAAAADE IT!! I am doing great, life is smooth. I am not reacting the way I used to, things just roll off of me. I am happy and peaceful!"
And Life lets you stay in that sweet spot for just enough time that you feel you are pretty damn awesome and are mastering this whole “human” thing. But then BAM! A new set of circumstances or challenge shows up, or a new shadow spot in your being is brought to light. And although it is a bit disheartening, you now know the tools work, you know there is light at the end of the tunnel and you know mastering this new lesson will only bring greater peace and joy on the other side! So you sit down to do the internal work once more.
Life on Earth is a school. The lessons will never stop coming. You will never graduate. But next time the sting may be a little less. Next time you may remember, “this, too, shall pass”. With each lesson your perspective will shift and your vibration will rise until you see all challenges as opportunities. And here is where the sweet nectar lies. When we live each moment fully - enjoying the challenges as much as the victories.
Axe. Aho. Amen.