For those of you who are scared shitless of unearthing old wounds, this is for you.
Back in 2011 I had a newborn, a toddler, was self-employed, and had a husband who was completely emotionally (and mostly physically) absent. Neither child was sleeping through the night, and I was totally, absolutely, positively depleted physically and emotionally. There was no gas in my tank…not even any fumes. To top it off, my husband wanted to separate and moved into our basement apartment.
It was a low point in my adult life and SO painful.
So, with barely any time to myself I started to meditate. Every day. I knew I had to take responsibility for everything that I had contributed to the unhealthy marriage. I knew I had to face myself, my shadows, and my old hurts and wounds. I had to take responsibility for the fact that I chosen a partner who was ego driven and not supportive.
It was a choice to meditate. It was a choice to take responsibility for my life, and it was a choice to face myself.
That year was super, duper hard. I cried a LOT. I felt like a bad (impatient, stressed out) mom a LOT. I lost too much weight and I honestly don’t even know how I taught my yoga classes, clients and retreats.
Yet through it all, I knew I had to change if my life was going to change. Whenever an old, dark, wounded part of myself came up I took a deep breath and faced it full-on. It was not easy, there was intense fear and I remember at one point telling my dad I wanted to die.
The light at the end of the tunnel was that every single time I released and healed an old wound, memory, or belief I received a flood of space and light into that part of my body and life where the old “yuck” had inhabited. Little by little, day-by-day I released and healed and cried and opened.
And I didn’t do it alone. The tools of Naam yoga and meditation sustained me, I invested in monthly healing sessions with shaman Veronica O’Grady which was my life-line and greatly accelerated my healing, and my best friends Maisha Dyson and Melissa Veler truly carried me through.
And you know how I felt like I was going to die? Well, a piece of me did die: the old me, the wounded me, and the wounded ego. And with that death a glorious new Bethany was birthed. I fully took back my power. I healed old father issues. I started dancing again, a love I had put on the shelf years prior. I created healthy boundaries and forgave myself for the ways I had screwed up as a mom.
2011 was the greatest year of transformation of my Life. Was in painful? Yes. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. But ya know what? It completely changed the trajectory of my life. Had I not consciously gone through the “dark night of the soul” I would not be serving women in the capacity I am today. I would not have had the strength to leave my husband when he went back to the old, harmful dynamics. And I would not be living the abundant, JOY-filled life I live today.
Is the growing and healing process over for me? No. I will always continue to grow and heal. But you know what is different about it now? It’s not painful. Seriously. When I see an old pattern, belief or wound that no longer serves me I think, “Yay! Let’s get this out!” because I now know the FREEDOM and lightness-of-being on the other side! And because I am not in resistance and fear the process is often easy and painless.
I write this to encourage those of you who are in the thick of it, in the dark night of the soul, or just have massive resistance, anxiety and fear blocking you from stepping into your healing process.
You can do it and it will get easier and easier as you continue on this path. And best of all you will become lighter and happier with each new layer that is peeled off! You will become empowered and beautiful. I’m rooting for you and so are all of your helpers in the unseen realm. Don't give up.
You can do it!!
Love and Light,